The birth of Turner

Scott and Ashley’s journey to parenthood is their very own and I am in owe of their resilience, faith and love for one another.

I have known them for quite some years now. Ashley had her first baby girl 2 months before my girl was born. And while our girl was an easy “surprised” pregnancy, they had been trying and praying for a long time for their baby to come. And while our girl came out fast and furious and was home with us within 24 hours, they had to wait an entire week before being able to bring their beautiful Rosie home.

So when Ash asked me to document the birth of their second child, I felt extremely humbled and grateful for their trust.

This time around, they got to hold their baby when he was born, she got to breastfeed him right away, they got to spend the night together and more amazingly and almost to their disbelief, they got to take him home the next day. Things that some of us take for granted, feel unreal for others and hold ALL the Magic. There was a storm called Olivia (and you know it’s a real storm when she gets to have a name!) raging outside that night and as if witnessing a baby come into this world wasn’t powerful enough, Mother Nature greeted me with high winds and pouring rain as I walked out of the hospital around 2am and it somehow, felt like perfection.

From a family of three to a family of four

"You don't know how easy it is with one until you have two"

I remembered this quote as we slowly found our marks when we became a family of four. It was everything we wanted, it was also the most challenging adjustment. This is especially true when you don't have the support of your family around. All in a sudden, making it to the shower becomes a victory in itself, let alone washing your hair! This was our experience at least. And I know it is unique. I was on my own a lot, I mean months at a time. What amazes me the most now that I get to have alone time, is that if I had to do it all over again, I would without an ounce of hesitation. 

The Birth of Hoku

A cesarian Birth. 

When I first met Moehau, she was already well into her pregnancy with her second child. She had a cesarean birth with her first child and unfortunately, women don't get the option to have a VBAC (Vagina Birth after c-section) on our island yet. So she knew she was going to have another cesarian. When we talked about documenting her birth, I was surprised at how enthusiastic she was. Admittedly, I was a little intimidated since I had never documented a cesarian. I knew the hospital policy here allowed only one partner in the operation room and her sister was going to be by her side. 

Yet I sat my alarm clock to 5am that morning as the birth was scheduled for 8am. I wanted to make sure that I would arrive early enough to document the "before". And I'm so glad I did. The delivery department at the hospital was quiet that morning. The soft morning light was coming in through the window as I walked into her room. I could feel the anticipation for what was coming in the air, a sweet mix of tension and excitement. Moehau and Leilani were talking stories while waiting for the clock to reach the hour. There were laughter and silence. Silence and more laughter. I joined the conversation but always tried to stay a step behind, playing my role as the happy fantom capturing their story from the observer side. 

I had talked with the OR (Operation Room) managers and I knew they would not let me come in for the c-section this time. But I was happy to start a dialog with them. I believe that where there is dialog, there is room for positive changes to happen. I am an endless optimist, sometimes naive but I am finding my voice as I try to play my part in advocating for the pregnant woman. 

When the nurses came, I decided to hand my camera to her sister after setting what I thought would be the right settings for the bright light in the OR. And I hoped for the best while I waited right outside of the room. 

I heard his cry. He was out, he was crying, she had given birth and my heart bursted with joy. Because when I document a Birth, I find myself completely immerge in what is happening right now. My cluttered brain magically shuts up, I stop thinking, my senses take over and I connect deeply with the birthing mom I once was. 

All in a sudden the doors opened and he came out in the comfort of his Aunty's arms. She was still wearing her sterile clothes, only this time she was holding her newborn nephew. Hoku. I refrained my emotions from showing too much, I knew I had just enough time for a few quick shots on their way to the nursery and I remained focus. His mom was still being taken care of back in the OR and all I wanted was to make sure that she would be able to know it all. To be able to reflect on her birth in its entirety. 

It was a powerful experience. I was forever humbled and thankful for every person that helped me document their story to the best I could, may it be a door left opened a few extra seconds or an encouraging smile. 

I know the day will come when a photographer will be welcomed into the OR, I know it is going to take patience and consistent ethical work in order to gain the trust of the hospital staff but for once, I don't doubt myself and this alone feels amazing. 

Thank you Moehau, Hoku & Leilani for letting me capture your journey.  

Truth

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Truth: I didn't love being pregnant! Well I loved growing a Life, I didn't mind my changing body and I absolutely loved the kicks and connection I felt with my babies. But my hormones. Oh my hormones! 

I am a power Libra (Sun & rising and a few extra planets hanging there) and usually love socializing and meeting new people but during my pregnancies all I wanted to do was hide. Retire from the social world. My brain couldn't take all the outside clutter. It was like I went from being a super Libra to a super Scorpio going deep in the waters of my subconscious overnight. My Cancer Moon took over, I was becoming a Mother and I couldn't care less about attending parties. I embraced it all, didn't feel like I had to apologize to anyone for being in a different state of mind during my own journey towards Motherhood but sometimes people around you just don't get it and can't help but think something is wrong with you. Sometimes they may even think that they need  to advice you how to live your own pregnancy.

But here's what I learned: our instinct as Mothers is intensely powerful. Our heart knows. Our bodies change, our hormones may be riding some giant roller-coasters, letting us feel clueless at times, we may not feel comfortable with our temporary new-self but it's all there for a reason. We are not just one anymore. Another heart is literally beating along ours, a soul is growing inside and is inviting us to slow down and listen to our intuition. All the hormonal changes were a wild ride for me and I didn't really want to have it documented at times. 

But now that I get to witness through my lens the amazingness of maternity, now that I get to listen to other pregnant women, to hear their story with no filter, from the one who loves her pregnant body to the one who feels uncomfortable, I get to reflect on my own journey and realize that even though I didn't love being pregnant, my pregnancies helped reveal some of my most hidden treasures, they taught me to stand up strong and fierce for myself, to connect deeper and to trust. Forever trust my instinct. 

At the end, it really all goes as fast as the blink of an eye and I sometimes wish I could feel those kicks again and let all my vulnerability out without the need to apologize for it.

All I want to say to the woman expecting a baby is to be unapologetic of her raw and authentic self. Surrender and surround yourself with your non-judgmental tribe. You are a Queen. 

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About a vision...

"One of the saddest lines in the world is, 'Oh, come now---be realistic'. The best parts of this world were not fashioned by those who were realistic. They were fashioned by those who dared to look hard at their wishes and gave them horses to ride . . ." -  words by Richard Nelson Bolles -

These words stopped me in my track today. I wasn't feeling my best and decided to take a moment for myself. I have a thing for books, I love them, I collect them, I can't resist them really, it's a little bit of an addiction. Although motherhood came with a painful lack of time to sit and read, I have recently started to make a conscious effort to slow-down whenever I can and instead of grabbing my phone to look at my friends latest post on social medias, I grab a book. I love the intuitive process of letting my hand choose the book that I am going to open. I am often surprised at the synchronicity of the words I come to read. 

This morning was no exception. My husband and I started off  with a bit of a battle between his very realistic mind and my over-dreaming mind. He looks at numbers, facts, harsh reality while I look at the stars, the signs and think of my wildest dreams as if they were our reality. Most times, it turns out to be a good balance for our Life. Other times though, I just don't get him and he wishes I could land back on Earth. We didn't go much further on our discussion, we knew there was no point to go on until I had my first cup of tea. 

We both went on with our day. A few hours later I had a chance to grab a book and sit for a minute. The quote above is the very first thing I read and I started belly laughing pretty hard. Synchronicity always seems to be around the corner. I read the quote to my husband and it kind of wrapped up our conversation from earlier...

The quote also made me think about what it is that I am bringing to this island with my Birth-photography work. I remember talking about my vision a couple of years ago, after I had given birth to our girl, to a friend of mine who looked at me as if I was some kind of an alien for wanting to document other people's actual birth..."Gross" is a word that came through his mouth and my vulnerable-self quickly shut her mouth. It seemed that every time I'd mention my desire to focus my photography work towards births, no one would get it or even want to try to understand. I was received with a lot of judgments. So I stopped talking about it for a while but never stopped dreaming about it for this is my nature. 

In the meantime, I started looking for my tribe, I knew there had to be one. I didn't know who the leaders in the industry were for I had no idea there was such a thing as a Birth-photography industry. I came late to Instagram and so I didn't know about the work that had started to be done towards normalizing births and empowering birthing women on social medias, I didn't have strong visuals set in mind. Yet there they were. My tribe. Women who got me. Women who would support me. Women who had received their own calling and dared to give their dreams, horses to ride. 

I won't lie. It's often doubting. I sometimes wonder if there will be more women reaching out to me. I wonder if their partner will see the value that these photographs or films will hold in the years to come. I wonder if my purpose is clear enough, if my vison is heard. But then I grab a book and hear the message that's there for me and find inspiration to share - my heart wide-open. 

Marlowe's Birth Story

This is my birth story. This is the story of my daughter's birth. 

"You had a due date. Because that's what doctors and midwives give you. Your due date was March 9th 2016. It would have been your grandmother's date of birth, my own mother. This year will mark 20 years of her passing and while having her birthday as your due date came with a mix feeling of "wow-that's-pretty-special" and "wow-that's-a-bit-intense", I was hoping you would pick your very own date to come. 

A few weeks before your birth, we had decided to have a midwife be our doula. We talked over the phone on Sunday February 28th and I told her I could feel my body getting ready. The following Friday your dad, your brother and I went on a beautiful beach walk. I felt like a fat white whale trying to walk on a sandy beach, but I loved every minute of it - the three of us in the expectation of your arrival. I went for a swim, it felt pretty darn good, and ran into a few friends all wishing me good luck for the [hopefully] soon-to-come-birth. 

My first contraction kicked-in that night at 11:30pm. The boys were sleeping. Your brother's warm little body close to mine. I stayed in bed waiting to see if there would be more contractions to come. They came. One after the other ten minutes apart, lasting a good one minute each time. I was in labor. I loved that moment. Being the only one awake. The only one knowing what was about to happen, watching your papa and your brother sleep unaware of my contractions, everything being so quiet. I took advantage of the stillness of the night to focus on you and me. I talked to you, told you we were going to do this together and that we would be just fine. 

Around 3:30am your papa needed to use the bathroom and found me in the shower. He asked if "it" was happening and I most likely rolled my eyes at him. Actually no, I think I said, "yes, this is it," with a smile. I was in a very happy space. I stayed in the shower for  45 minutes then texted our midwife. That's pretty much when the contractions changed to every 2 minutes lasting 30 seconds. Your dad was helping by holding me as I rested my back against his chest with every new contraction. It felt good. Our midwife arrived. We were a team. She listened to your heart and it was one of the best sounds in the world. I was "only" 3 centimeters dilated then but she soon suggested that we'd make our way to the hospital. 

We were excited although my thoughts kept navigating towards your brother, left with our neighbor. In a way I was glad he was awake when we left. He knew what was happening and I was able to tell him how much I loved him. I went through quite a few contractions on our way to the hospital.

We arrived at the hospital at 6:00am. The nurse announced that I was 5cm dilated. Letting me think that I was going to be here for a few hours before meeting you. Soon after, the contractions became very strong and all I could do was to hold on to the bed while making all kind of scary slash painful faces for your dad to photograph. Our midwife was an amazing coach while the nurse left us on our own devices. She kept on rubbing my back and my feet while I could hear your dad snap more photos. We were left alone for a moment and this is when my water bag broke as a new contraction came. It took me a second to realize what it was . From there it all happened very fast. 

I felt like i wasn't much in control anymore. My entire body started shaking. I looked at my midwife and she told me I was probably in transition. She came by my side and looked right into my eyes telling me it was all good. This is when I knew everything was okay. She had assisted hundreds of women before and gave me the extra strength and confidence to go through the next few contractions, helping me adjust my breathing. 

At 7:00am I started feeling a lot of pressure down in my bottom. I knew it meant you were making your way out and soon after I became that woman screaming "I gotta push NOW". The nurse looked at me and said in disbelief "control yourself", thinking I was still around 5cm. But my midwife whispered to my ear that I should let my body do whatever it needed at this point. This is when the nurse decided to check again and realized that yo were about to make your grand arrival. She rushed out to find the doctor. 

My doctor walked-in as I was trying to get on my back and truly this seemed to be the hardest thing for me to do. I think everything had happened so fast, going from 5cm to being ready to punch within 45minutes, that my body had a very hard time responding to my brain's commands, lost in the roller-coaster of emotions and pain. It took each and everyone's encouragement to get me on my back and to open up and let you out. Your papa cheering me up as much as he could. I was having the drug-free birth that I dreamt of. Two or three pushes were enough for me to get you out and up against my chest. I was in disbelief. We, you and I, had made it through the whole nine months, through the most intense hour of labor, and here I was, holding 7lbs 3 oz of unconditional love. I looked down and the words came out "it's a girl!!". Your papa and I were in awe of your perfection, Marlowe, my girl, you were born on Saturday March 5th of 2016 at 7:22am, on the beautiful island of Maui.